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18th March 2005
I'm at work right now. It's slow. So far, I got dinner from McDonald's for Ashley and I, took pictures of Ashley and I on my Sidekick, gossiped with her, sold a couple tickets and tours here and there but it has been slow, been visited by Alina and Jen (Ashley's older sister), and... gone on myspace.com, AIM and livejournal.com.
Listening to the iPod on my left ear because I just transferred a shitload of songs onto it. (Thanks, julielicious for letting me borrow your CDs!)
Woke up a little earlier today to fold some of the white laundry that was in the dryer and to take a shower. I hate waking up early just to complete the burdens of unfinished tasks from the night before. Then I went to work.
Work was good. Again, myspace all day. I brought homework for me to do, but did I do it??!?!? Nope. It was a very slow day. There were no group tours today. I was sad :( As I was coming down stairs to return to my station from Healthy Choice, I heard the tail end of Wynston's daily... that's as good as it got for me. Oh! Although, the hot guy from one of my classes last semester did come by my station and we chit chatted for a little bit. Ya know, generic questions like what we got on the final, etc.
Afterwards, I went home and to the cleaners to pick up my pants. Then back home to transfer a couple more CDs to the iPod.
I dunno what was up with me today and my hair, but I washed it when I got home. Thanks, Aussie.
Around 2:40 PMish, I went to go get gas. First of all, idiot!!! I parked a little too close to one of those short, concrete poles, and I had to squeeze out of the car... in the rain. Second, the hottest black guy was pumping his gas right next to me. I was walking towards the cashier when I continued walking but turned around to see what number pump I was, and considering that I don't have the world's best eye sight I was staring over that direction for awhile. It looked like I was checking him out.. haha. So I pay, and I go back to my car, and out of nowhere he comes up to me and says, "Hi, do you know how to get to Fashion Island?" I honestly don't know if I gave him the right directions, but I said to take the 57S to the 22E and take it to the 55-something. LoL. So exciting. Heh.
I'm going to get back to some paperwork now......
11th March 2005
Mix the chemicals right.... I can see it in the starts across the sky
I haven't anybody who I can truly be vulnerable towards. I'm not ready for it yet. So here goes the Gemini in me... :
... "The Air element of Gemini brings communication, intellect and speed! This is one of the joy- of-life signs, one that reaches out, expands and expresses. Gemini is an inquisitive student with a quick grasp of subjects. Mutable motivation brings adaptability. This is wonderful because variety-loving Gemini needs change. A flexible personality ensures that Gemini can connect with others. Gemini's active energy can go too far, and then Gemini has a hard time finding the right direction. Members of this sign needs a countervailing force of stability. The desire to communicate quickly and rapidly benefits when tempered by receptivity. Then not only can the Twins speak, they can listen in return -- and complete the circuit! Balance comes from slowing down, listening, and learning the fine art of follow-through!"
Geminis are somtimes indecisive and often don't belong to a category for comparison because we are neither a.) this or b.) that but c.) all the above.
This is extremely true for me when it comes to trust. I either trust way to easily with certain things, or don't confide at all.
Even with new friends, friends i've known along the way, and friends I've known for a long time all know different variations of me. Not the obvious parts because I know I'm consistantly myself. There are different self-disclosed variations of Courtney bywhatever type of person knows me by.
Anyway, I guess I'm just saying that I want to meet a person who knows every aspect of me in hopes that I won't feel judged.
10th March 2005
Something to ponder about
Privilege is a perception, it's not real. :
Privilege feels real when we don't have it.
Somebody had to say it.
9th March 2005
<"I love you for free, and I'm not your mother."<
Anyway, from yesterday's update... this is going to be basically a semi-continuation, but a start all over.
We go off random tangents in my HUSR 311 - Intraculturalization Culturalization class, but they are relevant to the subject. The course is basically about developing diversity competency (mandatory for my Human Services major). I honestly that EVERY person should take this course, like it should be mandatory. It is very intriguing, and all though people claim to be so-called open-minded, everyone still has prejudices that are not necessarily culturally based. I think I mentioned before that I'm actually enjoying my COMM 346 - Entertainment & Tourism course. My HUSR 310 - Case Management class is.... not necessary, in my opinion. I loooove the instructor though, she is so sweet. But I can't hack the class because I'm so tired! It's on Mondays 4:00PM-6:45PM, and I'm tired! BIO 101 - Lab is friggin B*A*S*T*O*S! It reminds me of high school were everyone just messes around and puts boogers under the microscope. I feel bad though, because most of the students just goof around, including myself, and the teacher is from Thailand. It's her first time here, and she's not harsh or strict at all. Naturally, everyone just takes advantage of that and such. Anyway, I have a kickass lab group :) I'm lovin' my COMM 361 - Principles of Public Relations class! I have an awesome instructor, and I know a lot of people in the class including Stephanie, Eddie, Roseanne and Erin. I got a B on the first exam, and I'm shooting for an A in the class.
My dad and I haven't been talking. Whatever. If he wants be a grudgy asshole, let it be. He'll regret it.....
I miss Michelle. She's in London without me. And I'm here... without her... :(
I was gonna right more, but I don't feel like it. Sorry
28th February 2005
Luck... just PURE Luck!
"And the world is spinning, and she keeps on winning, but tell me what happens when it stops?"
Wow. What a day! I mean, nothing exciting happened, but there are some moments throughout my day that caught me by surprise... the one's you pray for, and they never happen. Haha, my prayers/wishes/thoughts were answered.
Ever went to school and you were tired, didn't want to go or just not in the mood to do shit? And you pray to yourself, maybe the professor won't show up. But ofcourse, it always happens.. they do show up. Well, I had one of those days... to the 3rd power! Actually, all my instructor's showed up, but today I got lucky. Very lucky.
So, as mentioned in my last entry, I actually decided to drop Geography 110. Not that I can't handle it, but I'm not learning anything at all. The material doesn't click to me, and I don't feel giving my blood, sweat and tears to a GE course. By coincidence and luck, I found out today was the last day to drop a course with a "W." That's what I decided to do--to drop Geography 110 and not have it penalize my GPA. I felt bad because I really liked the instructor. He was nice, helpful and most of all, passionate about his career. Where the hell are those type of instructors?!?????!!!!?!?!?!
Also, remember how I had 3 exams on Wednesday???? HAHA! They've been reduced to 1!!! :) Well, Geography 110's exam is out of the question because I withdrew from the course. In my Human Services 311 class, Chip decided to distribute the exam NEXT Monday :) And so, that leaves me with one exam, Communications 341. I'm so damn lucky!!!
OK, get this! I had a 5 page paper due today that I was supposed to do last night. Well, I never did it. I told myself that I would do it today during my gaps. After I withdrew from Geography 110 this morning, I told myself to work on my paper since I had an hour and a half or so 'til my next class. Did I do it? Nope. Did I do it during my first gap? Nope. Did I Do it during my second gap? Nope. I figured that I would just turn it in late. I know, bastos. But get this... the instructor was so disgusted with the writing ability from her other class that she said she didn't want to read that kind of crap from our class so she's giving us 'til NEXT Monday to re-do our papers, if we need to, and still give us full credit :) GOD! Lucky, ME!!!
What a day! Seriously, I feel lucky. Maybe it's a learning lesson. Get my shit done, no Disneyland before school stuff.
I hope I get that job I interviewed for...
24th February 2005
Who knew that I could actually relate to a song by Ashlee Simpson! This song completely describes me right now entirely.
"Nothing New" - Ashlee Simpson
I found myself wrong again
Starin out my window
Wonderin what it is I should have said
I found myself at home again
Waitin for the after call
The fallout that feels like such a mess
Ohhhh I can only be myself
I'm sorry that's hell for you
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
So I listen to you complain and then
I bite my tongue in vain again
As I let it all just slowly settle in
Such a pretty picture that you paint
I'm so vow while your insane
Funny how your eyes see thick not thin
Ohhhh I can only be myself
Your lookin for someone else
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
You know how to give but you can't take it
It's all just a waste now you can save it
No matter what I do
Is never good enough, never good enough
Heyyy so what's my damage today
Don't let me get in your way
Let it out like you always do
The trouble between me and you
Is nothing new
Is nothing new
Save your breath cause here comes the truth
I'm over the drama of you
And that's something new
23rd February 2005
MY immortal (part I)
i cannot even begin to describe the way i feel right now.. the tears run down my cheeks, but i am numb. numb, now. it was never that way. i felt something all the time. is it because i've had enough?
10th February 2005
Courtney's Live Journal Disclaimer
Attention All Readers: :
My journals/blogs/entries are probably entertainment, a way to see what's going on with me, etc. It really doesn't matter to me. I'm not bitter, angry, happy, thrilled or sad about it. But, however, I just wanted to say that I expect you all to respect me. Most of my entries will probably be a "friends only" entry, and if you are one of my "friends," I expect that what I write down is not an essential tool for gossip.
If I delete you as my friend, don't be offended... well, actually I don't care how you feel about. I'm really just sick and tired of censoring my entries just to protect certain people. In all actuality, I don't think I need to hide from myself. If you are my "friend," you're probably lucky enough to be so. In addition, there are probably some traits about you I haven't found obvious that I personally find valuable (i.e. trust, understanding, etc.)
If you even care enough to read my entries at all still, please comment on this journal as I will be deleting "friends" this weekend without any consideration of adding you back.
8th February 2005
For the longest time, my intersession class [Human Services 380 - Theories and Techniques of Counseling & Psychotherapy] grade had not been posted on-line. Boredly, I decided to check it... and my grade was up. :
Now, let's calculate... the first exam I got a D/C. The second exam I earned a B. And on the final, I'm not sure, but I know I didn't do good.. like D/C range again. And so, my grade in the class.. was a B!!!!!!! Then again, I did get a perfect 100% on the writing assignment...
oh, well.. not going to argue.. I got a B in Counseling 380.
11th January 2005
"Although I challenge the deterministic notion that humans are the product of their early conditioning and, thus, are victims of their past, an exploration of the past is essential, particularly to the degree that the past continues to influence present-day emotional or behavioral difficulties." - Geral Corey, author of "Theory and Practice of Counseling & Psychotherapy" Seventh Edition :
... For most off you--OK, all!--this applies to you.. and, nonetheless, me...
2nd January 2005
The Year in Review - 2004
Wow. LoL. Like most people, I've fallen out of livejournal.com and dedicated most of my on-line access to myspace.com, lol. This year has definetly been a growing period of curiosity. It has been an interesting year full of changes. :
At the beginning of the year, I found a "home" at Cal State Fullerton which changed my life. New Student Programs, where I formerly held the position as a New Student Orientation Leader and currently an Information Specialist, allowed me to seek inner strength that I already had and to apply it. Going to the NSP retreat changed my life forever. I got to know people in 3 days very well then some of my friends in the years I've known them.
Also during that time, I
distanced myself from one of my really good friends, Renee. I thought some of my negative vibes were created WITH--not by--her. No, we didn't do drugs, we didn't get drunk all time.. we weren't even deviant kids. The year as a whole, my closeness with her has been slowly eaten away. It's sad... it is so sad. She's probably the person who knows most
of me, and she's the person I spent most of my time with. This year has been a huge switch for us. Where we once called each other multiple times everyday then to now occassionally calling each other with literally nothing to say is so different. Renee has a beautiful soul and a very, very caring nature... I think this wound between us was cut waaay to deep and shouldn't have been opened. We should've been able to work it out at the very, very beginning.. whatever it was... Later on, I started to question my friendships with other people. I also started to confront them. Like Michael. I told him that I didn't appreciate his unloyalty and such. He admitted to me that he hasn't been a good friend but didn't change. I honestly believe that I have nothing to do with that habit of his. People have told me that that he does that to them. Sometimes, I even there with Michael when he does that to them. I honestly believe that Michael is one of the most awesomest (hehe, really a word?) people I've ever known, he is a reflection of me when it comes to humour. But it very sad that his flaw corrupts his character. And that flaw is one that I personally can't tolerate. Sad to say... I never confronted this person, but I have to admit Juli was one of those people to. I met Juli my freshman year of high school at Mater Dei. After I left that school, I kind of rekindled with Juli at a random basis one summer. We grew an incredible, strong friendship and I have to honestly admit that close friendship slowly started to die out in 2004. Personal opinion, I think it came to other friends... I think she found a more consistant group of people she could easily connect with than me. Although, I would still do anything for Juli. She is one of the most unique people I know, and in her defense, this girl is not your typical blue-eyed, blonde-haired, Mustang-driving girl from Yorba Linda. Stephen has honestly helped me get thru 96.4987% of 2004. We had Spring 2004 and Fall 2004 classes with each other back to back, EVERY class. You can imagine the closeness that grew between us. I am so glad that I can introduce a person like Stephen to my other friends from NSP, work, etc. because he is very one-of-a-kind. I am scared for our friendship though in the future. Seriously, I am.. I have to admit that our relationship grew because our tendencies in the classroom. Now that we don't have EVERY class with each other and his current relationship with his (very awesome)boyfriend, I'm afraid that we won't spend time with each other that much.. outside school. I know the timing, now is going to be different now, but that's just how life goes...
I made incredible friendships, ofcourse, and distanced myself away other ones. I'm glad I went thru this. It made me realize who was important to me and to recollect the memories I had with each friend. It also gave me a chance to be more upfront and to challange myself in what I want. Do I deserve the least? No!
School was a ride in Spring of 2004. I took the most units I've ever took before in my entire life. And I hated 90% of my classes. They were, for the most part, GE courses.. ofcourse I hated them. I went to school on Tuesdays and Thursdays with my NSO meetings on Wednesday. Not to mention, I also worked.
Work, speaking of.. I still worked at Carlton Cards and during the upper half of the year, I earned a management promotion. But honestly, working at that place got old, and I knew that the previous year. I think most of it came with the ingenuinity of my co-workers. Well anyway, I was determined to keep my the job and face ahead the demands and adventures of.. NSO.
NSO ruled the majority of my summer. It was an awesome (and tiring!) experience. My "co-workers" were great people to work with, and I didn't even consider NSO a job. The hours were very demanding but very rewarding. I had spend half a year preparing for it, and to actually be in action was such a great high. Much love and thanks to most genuine people I've ever met on campus: Connie, Siti, Evelyn, Kevin, Lea, Larry, and Karen. Undying support, thank you to: Carol, Peggy, Nancy, and Lorraine. After NSO was over, I felt a certain part of life needed to be let go... my job at Carlton.
For some reason, it was partially easy for me to put my two weeks notice, but I was afraid. I had to write down the reasons of why I wanted to leave so I can tell them to my boss (who isn't a very bossy boss, which made it very hard to leave) without cracking, which I almost did. I got teary-eyed. She was in shock, ofcourse. But I felt like it was the best thing for me. After my leave, I grasped a job with NSP which I still hold a position there today as an Information Specialist.
Wow! What a lift off my shoulders! But what a huuuuge difference in pay! At Carlton, I got direct deposit every week into my account. My hours were flexible and different every week, which I liked. As an IS, my hours are the same every week, and I got paid once a month which sucked!
Balancing IS and school during the Fall of 2004 was easy. Sooo easy. But I realized that I had more time on my hands. Most of it went to a.) being lazy on the weekends because I can't remember a time where I virtually had EVERY weekened off b.) boys c.) going out. d.) boys. e.) other obligations. During my time at school, I took some Communications classes, which is one of my majors. I liked some of it (the class that is), but what I will always remember are a few people that I met: Amber, Eddie, and Jenni. Genuine people.. that's all I can say. Obviously, I consider myself one because that's what I crave to be around by. Amber is an awesome person and she invited me to her Halloween Party which was one hell of a party! Eddie is 26 years old and doesn't look that age. Jenni knows Michael thru Disney and is a total sweetheart.
Ever since the end of summer, I contemplated on getting another job. In July/August, I had an interview with Disney even though they didn't have any openings in the area I wanted which was Entertainment Costuming. The recruiter adored me and said she would put me on the "keep" file, LoL. Since I was so busy at the time with NSO anyway, I put any job opportunities aside. Later on during the semester, I called back a couple of times for any openings, and towards the middle of the semester, I wanted to get a job. The recruiter set me up with a particular department, not the one I wanted though, and alas my new job with Disney was born. Working for Disney is very... different. I know most companies are like this, but sometimes they don't tell you things that they think you wouldn't expect. Disney is definetly one of those companies which is sometimes a bad thing.
Where am I now? January 2, 2005... that's where I am.. sitting in the office at home, using the new computer that my parents just bought today, uploading songs to my 60GB photo iPod that just got erased. ((sigh))
What does the future have for me? Why do things happen the way they do? postive and negative...
Wow, this was very nutshellish.. thank goodness!
7th December 2004
Haters, they flip the bird!
OK, this entry is going to be random up the beans. But I'm sitting here at work bored. So yeah, do you ever wonder why people "hate" on things so much? : I'm not saying that I don't do it
, but people who constantly hate on other things or people ALL THE TIME are probably jealous, have low self esteem, or both.
It's funny how people hate on Paris Hilton. Yes, she is a target.. and people love her because she's a rich dirty rat whore, and people hate her because she's a rich dirty rat whore. My personal opinion? I've never hated on her. I've commented before that she is too skinny, but honestly, if you got it, flaunt it! She has the money to by two Fendi purses and a silver Lexus... 5 times in a second. So do it, if ya want.
People who live at home still and have mommy and daddy pay for everything still. Ha, OK.. so I somewhat fit in this category. But people tend to think of the whole materialistic side of it. I know for me, my parents pay for insurance, car payments of the vehicles I use, house payments and utilities because I live at home, etc. But you know, it's because of their well-being nature to be motivated to stay in school. And honestly, sometimes it's a good and bad thing. Since obviously they pay for these things, they extend their control on it. Sucks, but oh well. Also, there are sometimes those people who think that living at home or still clinging on to mom and dad makes them irresponsible. Totally untrue, atleast for me. I have totally broken off some of my parents paying nurture in some arenas of my life. I have been totally capable of making decisions of my well being. I rarely ask for their opinion yet still get a judgment. I have juggled 1-3 jobs at a time, managed to take more than 15 units a semester, focus on double majoring, be incredibly involved on campus and make time for friends. In my defense, being under the care of my parents isn't as stereotypically a basket full of happily-diddly-unkling apples. It has it's good moments and definitely bad ones.
When people hate on or criticize the "American Pie" girls. Blue-eyed, blonde hair, short shorts, tanned legs, long brown hair... whatever .. who cares??? They aren't prettier, smarter, richer or anything else better than anyone else. They are normal people. I know some people who compare themselves to cover-face model-like girls, why? Why let that bring you down? or why even spend energy on just being dissatisfied?
People who are outloud are often targets of being hated. I would know, lol. People either love me or hate me. No in between, I'm serious. If I'm annoying because I'm loud, then do listen because honestly, I'm gonna be loud. Also, I'm the one who vocalizes, asks the questions, thinks of the ideas, stands up and says something so me being "loud" is often a cry to fix problems that haters often don't care about.
Hater's they flip the bird, so what? They scurred!
2nd December 2004
So yeah... I've been doing some random thinking in my life. From big things that really matter to the small details that really don't count.. not right now anyway. :
So I currently work at Disneyland, and I was thinking that maybe it could turn out to be a possible career. No, no, no.. not that it would be a regular cashier to a shift lead or supervisor. But more on the professional level. Despite Disney's (well, the board's crusty self!) disruptive business ethics, I have a passion for its existence. Like I could probably do something in Human Resources, Talent Scouting, Advertising, or Media/Public Relations. The job I have at school also makes me wonder... is there something in Higher Education or in Student Affairs for me? I could totally see myself being an associate dean of a program and overseeing it. Working for New Student Programs has allowed me to meet some incredible "higher ups" in an intimate level. Also, I love the population it works for. I know both majors could most definitely satisfy with whatever plans I have in the future. I'm a 3rd year college student-- do I have a lot time to think about things? As of right now, I want to go to grad school right after I graduate from CSUF. But in what? Ultimately, I plan on going for a Ph.D. For some reason, I think I would feel complete if I were to accomplish that.
I need to find better/new friends. There, I said it. Plain and simple. (For those of you who KNOW what kind of friend you are to me and who have been doing a good job at being one, Thank you.. obviously, that note didn't apply to you). Where do I start the search???
That's all for right now... nothing new... oh, I'm down 7-point-something lbs. according to my Weight Watcher's "report card."
18th November 2004
Where is the nutritional food facts???
I know I shouldn't be talking because I'm not the most fittest person to ever walk this planet. BUT! I, some people, am doing something about it. I am on Weight Watchers and making an effort to incorporate exercise into my life.
Connie, one of my friends and who is a tour guide, passes by my station with her group. I knew she was giving a tour to middle schoolers, but when the passed by... I was like omigod! These middle schoolers DIDN'T look like middle schoolers! Some looked like they were 5, and some looked like they were 30! I totally blame lack of parental control and fast food restaurants for this. And like I said, I have my own issues.. but dang, we got to do something about this!
It's not so much the "look" factor, it's the health part of it. I heard on the news that children as early as 12 have diabetes! That's disgusting, and nevertheless, sad.
One thing that was never a part of the growing process for me was portion control. When I become a parent, that is one routine I'm going to implement.
Ok, this was random.. but I just had something to say.
17th November 2004
Cuz All Ya'll Wanna Know!!
*Past 24 Hours*
01. cried: No, I actually haven't/
02. bought something: I haven't actually bought something either! Miracle, huh? I did, however, pay a membership fee to join OCTAFUCU.
03. gotten sick: I don't think so... but I think something is lingering up my sinuses.
04. sang: Yeah, what do you think?! "My Boo" - Usher.. the version where Nelly sings it.
05. eaten: Garden Cafe @ CSUF w/ Amy
06. been kissed: Does my fake, daily makeout session w/ Steve count? ;)
07. felt stupid: No, that's my job to make you feel that way... hehe, JK!!!
08. wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didnt: All the time.. I very rarely tell my parents I love them.
09. met someone new: Yes. Kat is awesome! ;)
10. moved on: Moved on to choose something different from a menu? Yeah... hehe
11. talk to an ex: I left him a message on myspace.. does that count?
12. missed an ex: Not w/in the past 24 hours.. I've been scoping fresh meat!
13. talked to someone you have a crush on: No, unfortunately.
14. had a serious talk: If my Comm 233 paper is serious, then yeah.. I talked about it w/ Amy 1 min. ago.
15. missed someone: All the time, yes.
16. hugged someone: Yes, Michelle.
17. fought with your parents: Well, an arguement... yesterday w/ my mom on the cost of Intersession.
18. dreamed about someone you can't be with : Not w/in the last 24 hours.
01. best girl friend: There isn't a girl that knows EVERYTHING about me... so I dunno...
02. best boy friend: There isn't a guy that knows EVERYTHING about me either... but Stephen has been totally awesome for the past year or so!
03. boyfriend/girlfriend: Haven't had the best.. yet...
04. if no, current dating partner: Playing the field, if you know what I mean.
05. hobbies: Singing, dancing, crafty stuff, internet, shopping, etc.
06. pager: haha, I had one for one year in the 8th grade!
07. are you center of attention or the wallflower: Center of attention, mos def!
08. what type automobile do you drive: Toyota Avalaon or Ford Focus
09. what type automobile do you wish you drove: Hummer
10. would you rather be with friends or on a date: Now that the holidays are coming up.. date...
11. where is the best hangout: Anywhere, it's just WHO is hanging out...
12. do you have a job: Yes.
13. do you attend church: ha, not regularly!
14. do you like being around people: Yes
01. have you known the longest: My family.. 20 years now! ::groans::
02. do you argue the most with : Mom
03. do you always get along with: Pap Smear.. ha, you know who you are.
04. is the most trustworthy: n/a
05. makes you laugh the most: Between Michael and Stephen
06. has been there through all the hard times?: So far, Renee and Stephen
07. has the coolest parents: Amber
08. has the scariest siblings: Hmm.. I dunno..
01. who is your role model: This super rad dean for the office I work in.
02. what are some of your pet peeves: When people say they will call, and they dont! And when driver's don't use their damn turn signals! 03. have you ever liked someone you had no chance with: Yes
04. do you have a "type" of person you always go after: No
05. ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you: Yeah
06. would you rather be dumper or dumped? Dumper!
07. rather have a relationship or a "hookup": Relationship
08. want someone you don't have right now: Kinda, sorta.
09. do you want to get married: Yes.
10. do you believe in psychics: No.
11. do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time: God, I hope not.
12. what is your favorite part of your emotional being: My LOYALTY! (which some of you douche bags don't have!)
13. are you happy with you: Not completely.
14. are you happy with your life: I'm satisfied but not overjoyed.
20. if you could change something in your life right now, what would it be?: I would be a size 5, all (some of you don't apply to this because you are all ready GREAT friends) my friends would be "good" friends, to live on my own, to be financially stable.
[ current clothes ] Lady Foot Locker pants and my I.S. polo shirt.. sexy...
[ current mood ] Nothing to be sad about.. but nothing to be joyous about.
[ current music ] "All Falls Down" - Kanye West
[ current taste ] Marinara Sauce from lunch with Amy.
[ current make-up ] Scary, not wearing any at all!
[current hair] Hair down, blown dry.
[ current annoyance ] People who don't know where the fuck their own college/major BUILDING is!
[ current smell ] My Versace Versus perfume.
[current thing i ought to be doing ] Comm 233 [ current desktop picture] Purple Flower
[ current favorite group ] The Plastics, lol [current favorite musical artist] Ciara [ current book you're reading ] Some crusty book for American Studies
[ current cd in cd player ] A Mix DJ T.J. aka Stephen made.. haha
[ current dvd in player ] Beauty and the Yeast Infection [ current color of toenails ] French Black Tip
[ current refreshment ] Diet Pepsi, no ice ;)
[ current worry ] My traffic violation ticket
8th November 2004
2nd November 2004
So I have been having this serious thought lingering through my head for a couple of days trying to figure out its meaning.. :
I've been trying to figure out the fundamental reason of why I hold on to things for so long. I'm not proposing a negative or good aspect of it, but I'm just figuring out why I do.
And it's not only the touchy feel side of stuff, even the simplistic notions that can be surpassed. Like cleaning me room. There is so much shit I can throw away, and I eventually throw them away.. but it's like, why didn't I get rid of it a long time ago? And there's still stuff that I manage to hold on to! Yet, I don't use them. During the summer, Juli helped me clean my room, and she straight up threw away this orange lil makeup bag that I got for my birthday that was never opened or used. I got so pissed off and yelled at her. She basically said that if I haven't used it at this point, what makes me think that I will use it ever? Not only that, but she also pointed out that if she were to sneak in my room and throw away a bunch of shit, I would never notice. She's right.
And e-mail! I don't know why I have so much mail saved! It's not even tangible, unless I print it or something. Last week, I deleted a bunch of e-mails that have just been sitting there like Anna's invitation to her party, a poem that was sent as a chain letter, and just random e-mails. Why do I hold on to them?
But let's dig a little bit further... Why do I hold on to people? Is it a certain crowd or person? I talked about this with Stephen about a month ago, and he said that he can just drop people in a second. Like basically, "Hey, you don't care about me, so fuck you." Good for him. I get pissed off when my phone calls aren't returned, and I'm not asking for like a 15 minute return back. I'm a forgiving person, sometimes too forgiving. But repetitive unloyal
nonsense is just not necessary. I accept reason but not excuse. Like Michael, I don't know how many times I have talked to him about his horrible habit, and he even admits it! Thankfully, I'm re-evaluating the people who I truly value.. and in retrospective, who wants to be a good friend back.
Maybe I hold on things because I have faith. Faith that brings spontaneous, memories, and security. Maybe I hold on to things for protection... so that I know where I am wanted, needed, and cared for. Maybe I hold on to things because it gives me something to think about. It's a symbol to honor the things I highy prize. Or maybe I hold on because I
am the one who cares, I
am the one who deserves respect, I
am the one who shows loyalty, and I
am the one who is bold, strong, fierce, emotional, ....
I like this aspect of myself even though it hurts sometimes. It hurts when your wallet gets burned from it or when people don't show you any respect. But I have to take in the good with the bad, however that doesn't lead me to think that I don't deserve how I get treated sometimes
24th October 2004
take a chance, you stupid ho
20th October 2004
Current UPL (intimate) momehnt: It's raining. My bedroom roof is leaking from two spots, and the rain water from outside is seeping into my room at the corner where my bathroom entry is.
I think my (step)dad needs anger management counseling. He gets pissed off at thee most random things. And you can tell when he gets agitated.
I want to move out. No fight occurred (suprisingly!), but b/w my leaky roof and everything else.. I'm just ready. But not financially.
I need to make a resume! BLAH! I have had one! But it got deleted from my desktop.
Weight Watchers on Saturday...
I don't feel pretty.
Nina Sky was awesome on Sunday @ The Knitting Factory in Hollywood! So was Deziak Clan!
I wanna be famous... for being a red carpet whore, a media mogul, a model, a singer, an actress, a jetsetter.... I don't care.
I need a mental vacation.
Back to reality... my room needs cleaning.
14th October 2004
Club presidents DICTATING on how to be professional... in an unprofessional manner!
Co-workers/Professional staff that talk quitely all of a sudden while you are in the same office
Leaders who are fake and who fulfill their position so the "higher ups" can praise them..
The cost of a T-Mobile Sidekick II
Not having a real part-time job (oxymoron)
Getting paid once a month
My messy room
10th October 2004
I <3 L.A.
I don't understand why Orange County has to be so expensive! Houses, clothes, food, everything! Answer: Go to The Fashion District :D :
Today, Renee called me to see if we wanted to go shopping for our dresses for Military Ball. I assumed that we were going to Brea. Honestly, I didn't want to go there because a.) I'm not gonna find a dress that is in my price range because everything is so goddamn expensive b.) I'm not gonna find anything my size because O.C. size range is size 0-4. I decided that going to Downtown was the easier way.
Yeah, easier way of options and prices but not directions.. hehe, it was a feat to go there. Now I remember why I hardly go there! However, I did find a GORGEOUS black (because it will make me look like a size 2, right) dress for less than a hundred dollars. I am pleased.
Not to mention, I contributed to the ghettoness and bought 6 bootleg DvDs. I know, I'm retarded. I bought Napoleon Dynamite, The White Chicks, The Manchurian Candidate, Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, Ladder 49, and Collateral.
RANDOM: Yesterday, Michelle went with me to get a sofa for my room... now we can have kickbacks, guys! Oh wait, Stephen has to clean my room...